Breaking Fat: Why I Quit Keto Quickly

Hey, did you have a nickname in school that was mean or hurtful?? A nickname that maybe just rhymed with your own name, and did not actually pertain to you whatsoever?? Or, your name was an initial like B.J. so, well, you know…

Ok. Do you want to know mine?? I’ll tell you, and then explain how on Earth this shit even pertains to my Keto trial, and the abrupt, “fuck this.”

They called me “Smelly” Shelly. Haha. Blahblah. That shit quit bothering me long ago, so we can all have our little laugh and get it out of the way. I mean, I didn’t actually smell. I know this because I had good friends. The ones that more than likely would tell you’re a stank ass bitch. Yes. Real ones. Not like the friends I had 2 years ago that didn’t tell me my breath was hot when I needed a root canal. Mmmmhmmm. That shit happened. You can’t tell, you know, if your own breath is kickin’, so you should ask your friends or someone you trust every once in awhile. JS.

I never liked the name Shelly. In fact, to this day, don’t fucking call me that. Michelle, Chelle, hey you. Any of those will get my attention, thanks. My name was forever some bone of contention between my parents that earned me the stupid Smelly name anyway. Apparently, my dad wanted to name me “Celeste” after some cool bartender in Leadville, CO. Go figure. Also, I have a power date birthday, and my pops believed that there was some astrological deal with that day, so the name worked. Celeste/Celestial. Idk. Look that shit up if you have no life. July 22 zodiac. It’s pretty cool.

To summarize. Dad was out of town working, mom gives birth, and names me Michelle despite his wishes.  He decides to call me Shelly to piss her off, and I get to bear the brunt of the “Smelly” jokes for who knows how long. There it is. I’ll tell you this about the whole thing though; when you get a nickname like that, you keep your ass fresh. All. The. Time.

And that, my friends is why I cannot be Keto another day.

I wasn’t able to work or work out many of the last 18 days. I was home with no stresses and lots of time to focus and since I’ve been on and off with Keto for 18 months I decided to try again. Believe me, this time I dove in head first and really did it. I was in. I was going all day without hunger, really energetic and focused. And I lost some pounds, of course, while sitting on my ass. About 10 of them, in fact. That being said, let me shout out to Keto; it DOES work. And I could’ve done it gladly but for one thing. When I worked out today for the first time in over 2 weeks, I exuded a smell like no other. I’m not getting into it too much. I do have a tiny shred of modesty left.

Actually, I don’t have a shred of modesty. I smelled similar to a rotted vidalia onion. Or what I think a rotted vidalia onion would smell like. I’ve never wasted one, so I don’t know.

ANYWAY!! I consulted with my Keto Group.

“Oh, that’s part of it!! It’ll go away.”

Ok. I felt better.

“I used this and it helped me some.” Comments pic of clay deodorant. Isn’t that what my dry shampoo is made of?? Not doing it.

Hopeful Me: “How long before it dissipates??”

“A few months.”

Me: Leaves Group and plans dinner that includes rice.

I’m not giving you guys a stir fry recipe. You can figure it out. I’ll toss you some tips though.

1. Go buy some raw veggies and lean meat, maybe a bag of fresh Asian chopped veggies. I used broccoli, onions, mushrooms and some Asian broccoli cabbage blend. Then I snagged some lean beef strips.

2. Marinate the meat in whatever sauce you’re using in the recipe. I used Sezchuan. This is a good “go to” recipe for that and, ironically enough, it originates from a gal named Shelley Thomas. It’s an oriental burrito recipe and the sauce is right on. I tweak mine when I make it, but I don’t have a set recipe, sooo…yeah. Notice I said “when” I make it. Today I didn’t. I bought this brand instead to make life simple because I was too busy showering after everything I did.

3. Get some good organic brown rice. Cook it up and set it aside. Not 10 cups!! More like 2-3. I make my stir fry by the following ratio;

6: 3: 1: cups of veggie, meat, starch. Just go ass backwards from what your local Asian takeout throws you. It’s easy.

4. There’s a method of making brown rice so it’s not all sticky and gross. Check out this recipe for perfect rice that is fluffy and separated every time. It is from one of my all time fave food mags, “Saveur”. I toss in a handful of frozen peas and carrots.

5. Use a good high heat oil in your wok. I use coconut for about everything these days. That’s up to you to decide.

7. Cook meat first then remove from wok with tongs. Leave the juices and throw veggies in to steam, and then add sauce and meat back in. This keeps meat from getting too tough. Then just toss with rice or serve rice on the side.

6. Invest in a good wok if you want to eat this type of meal regularly. I love ours. Be sure to care for it properly too.

Ok. This was a big Wordy Stir Fry of a post but, listen, I came to terms with old “Smelly” Shelly through writing it, and hopefully delivered you a couple of helpful tips and giggles in the process. Sharing is caring, Bitches. Peace Out.

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