Hot Hawaiian Jalapeño “Ham” Burgers

I totally took a day of rest yesterday. I gave myself so much damn self-care that I started feeling guilty. I slept until almost 10, ran my run, got a pedicure, watched movies, cuddled my dogs, read books, yoga’d my ass off AM and PM, made and ate good food twice and I ate some ice cream Drumsticks™️. That’s right. Plural fucking Drumsticks™️. I deserved a dozen if I had wanted.

I have been working my ass off at staying sober, staying fit and staying busy at my work gigs. I have been neglecting the blog and the book I’m writing, although I did get back the final proof of the cover. I think I approve. I can’t show you yet. I’m so sorry. As soon as it’s done, you’ll be first. Promise. Boy is it pretty. It’s not black. My sponsor will be so proud.

I guess I haven’t really written much since I made the decision to go to culinary school, then when it came time to sign the loan agreement, I froze up like Elsa herself had grabbed me by the “who ha”!! I couldn’t take on the debt. I don’t want to be in debt. I have busted my ass to build a nice credit score to buy my food truck, but I now know that credit score and available credit is not going to help me at all. Banks aren’t loaning food business start ups a dime. Too risky. Guess what else?? I’ve pretty much all but decided that I no longer want to be a business owner.

Check it out: most of them are assholes. I’m working on not being an asshole. I think a big debt, dealing with staffing, along with an increasing lack of ability to acquire good food at a decent cost have all left me running for the hills when it comes to ownership. I’d still be waiting tables and slinging drinks in my own place because that’s what I love and do best, but I’m not going to ever again put myself in a position that I have to stress out over finances. I’m done with that life. Stress makes me want to get drunk. Nobody, including me, likes me drunk. So, there it is. The only reason I ever wanted a business was because I wanted to not be a server and bartender anymore. Because I was concerned about what people thought of that. Lately I’ve recognized how stupid that concern is, and also that the smartest women I know are bartenders and servers. We do quite well income wise, and most of us work part time because we build great clientele who supply us with excess cash just for smiling, knowing current events, anticipating their needs and making them feel cared for. If you can do these things efficiently, you can make some bank. It sure as Hell beats that pole, Baby. I’m just saying.

Anyway, I came to talk about this bad ass devil-icious burger right here. I just felt the need to touch base because I know you really come here to read about my crazy ass life. The food is just a bonus you get!!

You guys, I have been dreaming up this thing for like 15 years. I think I envisioned it while watching “Pulp Fiction”. You know, “Big Kahuna” burger or some shit. Of course I wondered what the f**k was on it. I’m a foodie. So, I imagined what I’d want on mine!! Bacon, pineapple, pepper cheese, ham, jalapeños. Those are all very good places to start!!

I keep trying to “build my own” in various restaurants, but it hasn’t hit the sweet spot yet. It was always missing something. You see, something like this needs a special sauce!!

So, here’s how it was decided today that this food dream would come to fruition. We had some Omaha™️ burgers in the freezer, so that’s what I had planned to cook up for dinner. Easy enough while chillaxin’ the day away.

Off to the store I went for buns and stuff, trying to decide what’s going on the burgers. Somewhere between the bun aisle and the pepper jack cheese spot, I looked over at the meats and remembered I never took the patties from the freezer. Plan ruined unless I buy some ground beef. So as I’m sifting through the sirloin, this pops up at me!!

Now, y’all know my whole “thing” is like “Hell On Wheels”, right?? My daddy said I put the “Hell” in Michelle. Ha ha. I’m a feisty little bitch. I’m a firecracker, a devil, a witch (well, that’s true). I’m hellfire and damnation, etc, etc and on and on the jokes can go. But, it works for me and my life. It’s cute. I’m always on the go and I move fast. I’m spicy. I admit it.

So, because of all that hellish biz, this particular pack of meat made me laugh my ass off in the middle of the local grocery. It inspired me by reminding me that I am who I am. No ordinary burger will I produce. Soon as I felt that flutter in my guts, I remembered the Hot Hawaiian burger I have been dreaming up for yeeeears!!

Behold!! This thing is going to make your tongue curl. Feel me?? Good. Get your keys. You need super fresh buns, Hon.

This recipe is for 2, so modify it as you see fit. I made a ton of the sauce, but it’s just that good. We used it for our fries too.

What You Need:

2 Hawaiian style burger buns

1 lb ground sirloin

1 Tbsp bbq dry rub

2 Tbsp finely chopped bacon

4 slices bacon, fried crisp

6 slices honey ham

2 pineapple rings

4 slices pepper jack cheese

2 Tbsp crispy fried jalapeños

6 raw sweet onion rings

Sriracha Pineapple Sauce:

1 c mayonnaise

.5 c bbq sauce (I use my own or this kind)

2 Tbsp honey mustard dressing

1 Tbsp pineapple juice

10-20 drops Sriracha™️ sauce or more if you’re a hottie like me.

What You Do:

Prep your ground sirloin by adding the fine chopped bacon and the bbq dry rub to it in a bowl, and blending it with your hands. You know I keep some kitchen gloves in my house. You should too, Boo. You don’t want burger up under your manicure.

Let the beef sit and meld while you make your sauce. Just whip all them sauces together with a fork.

How you stack your toppings is up to you. I get my burger set ups ready in advance. Like this here…

I did cheese, ham, bacon, cheese, pineapple, onion.

Now, I like to keep things pretty sensible and very authentic. If I gotta explain to you folks how to make a damn cheeseburger, I don’t really want you as a reader. I’m not going to bullshit about this. Not sorry at all. You have to read someone else to learn that.

I cook mine in cast iron, medium-high, 4 minutes per side. I use olive oil for my pan.

When the burger is almost finished, place your set up stack on top. Remove pan from burner. I will say this much, when you flip your burger the final time, you should squirt some water in for steam, then top the burgers and cover the pan. Then let it sit to melt the cheese. The best burger cooks use a water bottle for steam. I’m telling ya.

You can and should toast your buns. It really won’t matter. This is a messy burger, and it’s juicy, so before you sit down to tackle it, grab a fork. As you can see, we laid ours atop a bed of super crispy fries, and went to town with the sauce.

Top it with the crispy fried jalapeños, and you are good to go. Be warned, no other burger is going to do after this. I mean seriously, look at that…

I hope you guys get out of the same old burger box and give this a try. The bold flavors blended together in every scrumptious bite is well worth it. I know I’m going to be grilling a bunch of these up come Summer time!! Can’t wait!! I hope I can take some more time soon to cook up another meal to write about!!

Stay saucy, friends.


Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission by owner is strictly prohibited.

Excerpts or links may be used, provided that full credit is given to M.L. Clement or cHELLe ON WHEELS, LLC. with appropriate and specific direction to original content.

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