Good morning, Friends.
I had so many thought provoking teas over this past week that I’d seriously considered shooting pics and saving all of them for the uninspiring Tuesday morning tag that will inevitably show up at some point in this juncture. I’m hoping to run this series for all of 2020, so that means on any given Tuesday I could get a repeat tag or one that doesn’t inspire a post.
I felt like it would be fraudulent to write about one of the tags I pulled through the week, so I had to write the uncomfortable ideas that my tag this morning brought about.
I’m not sure I mentioned it, but I drink Yogi™️ Teas. They have the cool tags and I am a lifetime student of the yoga and the Yogi Bhajan. The company was inspired by his original Ayurvedic tea recipe back in the 1960s. These teas offer a plethora of health benefits in addition to being super tasty.
Tea time is part of my daily practice. Hot tea and lemon replaced hot water and lemon awhile ago, and then I ended up with an excessive amount of tea bags and had to start consuming them daily. My basket runneth over, and now I am hooked.
Tea and lemon prepares me for the mat each morning. The lemon is suggested in many cultures to cleanse the body and respiratory system prior to practice. It makes breathing less laborious in your pranayama and clears out the digestive tract before starting. It is said that we should meditate in a clean and fasted state. Tea and lemon, then water, then poop, then pranayama, asana, meditation, writing. The daily routine. It is what it is. No one wants their strong and meditative yoga flow to be interrupted by a rumbling tummy and a trip to the shitter. Plus the yoga is about purification on so many levels. This week we are working on the Pranamaya Kosha as the second layer in our yoga instructor’s Kosha system series. Lots of breath work, folks.
Ok. All shit talking aside. This is serious.
The tag I pulled today gave me a different rumble. In my head. For the first time ever I got a tag that made me almost angry.
My initial reaction was a snort of sorts. A “WTF” flew through my thoughts, and I asked myself, “What’s your deal, Chelle??” It took until halfway through my cup to figure it out.
Throughout my life I carried the idea that I had to always bring something to the table. This idea was solidified by many examples of people I had allowed to use me in an exchange for friendships. My childhood best friend’s mom would have never allowed me around if I didn’t hand her weed on a daily basis. I know this to be a fact now that my insight has developed.
As a child I was always getting in trouble for giving away my stuff. As a teen, I was the girl who was popular with the bad kids because my dad kept an abundance of drugs and contraband in the house, and at an early age my babysitters and Dad’s old nasty girlfriends would send me on theft missions to acquire said items. Everyone in my life wanted a piece of his pie, and I had no issue with helping myself to whatever they wanted just to be cool. To be wanted. To be loved. To get attention.
So, do people who love give?? Or is it just the desperate people who feel they are not valuable without something to offer that give constantly even at the expense of our dignity and integrity??
Is it love when you pour from an empty cup or from someone else’s cup?? It’s not. It’s simply overcompensating for whatever we think we lack in value by just being ourselves and being present.
I found myself defiant and indignant over the damn tag that was not in any way, shape or form suggesting the ideas above. Why?? Because I have been sooo guilty of thinking I’m not worthy unless I have something to bring to the table.
My life up until recently has proven this to be true. I have always been the friend who had the party favors, the concert tickets, the funds for outings, the free time to lend an ear or shoulder. I’ve even been guilty of buying heroin for a dope sick friend.
I’m not saying that people haven’t been there for me, but in all honesty, I at least had gas money or a joint to offer before even asking a favor of anyone. Everyone who knows me knows it. I’d pick up the check for meals because I was essentially buying people’s time. Fuck. All. That. Unless I know you are struggling but trying, and I can afford it. That’s different. That’s love. I do that shit still.
I still love. I still give. But not in the way most people in my life are accustomed to me giving.
I don’t throw big parties and feed hundreds anymore. I don’t throw down big money for gifts to win them over. I don’t loan or give money to anyone. I don’t buy a 4 pack of concert tickets to gain company to a show. I don’t give my time, space, energy, ear or my shoulder to just anyone these days.
I give hope. I give inspiration. I give my story. I give support to the people I know that are out there making shit happen, but I’m not going to continue listening to the same old people cry the same old, lame old sob story for years and never take action to better their lives. I’m not the sounding bored for the victim mentality anymore. I don’t think it’s ok to whine about your health and your funky relationships but then not do a damn thing to fix yourself and your issues.
I am a good friend to the few I call my “Soul Sisters.” Many of the ones I used to include in that group are now gone from my life. Why?? It’s called boundaries, and when you start to set those motherfuckers, people tend to disperse.
My “Soul Sisters” are winners, victors, bad ass bitches who choose to put in real work. Every. Damn. Day.
They have overcome the most difficult tests, and they have something to offer the world. They aren’t sitting around being cry babies and seeking bullshit sympathy from everyone around them. They aren’t searching for happiness in other people. They aren’t jealous and resentful of the people who are out there getting theirs. They don’t have time to hate and gossip because they have their own shit to talk about.
For the ones who dropped away from my life when I stopped giving, commiserating and enabling, I still have compassion and love. I just have to love them from up here on this vibration. Until they can begin to rise and meet me, I won’t reach out. I spent 40 YEARS compromising my integrity to win people over. Following. Being a crutch. Staying on a level that was comfortable.
Some folks did that for me as well, and then they finally set their own boundaries and I thank them. We still engage.
Then there are the others. The ones that couldn’t ever be around when life got right. They’d always be there to watch my falls and fails, but when I started to rise up, I had to lift my damn self and forget about their support or love.
Very few will genuinely share in your joys, my friends, but everyone will be there to “help” (or revel) when you are fucked up. They need you to stay fucked up so they can accept their own fucked up life as not so bad.
Which brings us to the end point of this tea talk.
There comes a time when we have to love and give to ourselves.
I had a friend arrive to my house this past Sunday in complete despair. She was upset with her grandchildren, children and her house mate. She cried on my shoulder at the overwhelm she felt from giving and giving but never being appreciated.
I told her to stop. To give herself some time, energy and attention. At 65 she’s been spreading herself thin to care for others much longer than I’ve been on this Earth, and if anyone deserves a window of months or years to nurture herself; it is her.
She said she, “can’t.” That she knows of nothing else. She doesn’t know how to not be a caregiver. Mind you, her kids are grown, as are her grandchildren.
I told her she should try to turn that energy inward for awhile. Focus on herself and her health. She insisted that it’s just not possible for her and basically it just wasn’t going to happen.
She’s my elder, and believe it or not, there are lines I won’t cross, but if one of my “Soul Sisters” said they “can’t” learn to love and focus on herself, I’d probably tough love the hell out of her, and maybe tough love that idea of “can’t,” right out of her life.
I’d at least try my best because to me, that “can’t” idea in these situations is the just attitude of the martyr. Everyone needs you and you keep draining yourself to please them, now I’m supposed to feel bad for you and give you my precious energy?? Nah. For the record, I only hear from her when she’s upset over this BS, and she never asks about my life, my book or my anything. I’ll deal with that next time she calls. Not to worry.
It’s fucking cliché as all hell, but I believe in this concept. How are you going to pour all your energy into anything before you give yourself what you need??
Bottom line, the yogis are correct.
People who love are giving. It is true. But they are only going to give what they can afford themselves without compromising their own needs. Because they know how to love and give to themselves without guilt. They will not enable your ass. They will not commiserate with your sob stories and dramas anymore. They will not be the damn punching bag for your insecurities. They won’t give time to anyone who might be questionable as far as loyalty, and they most certainly aren’t wasting energy on those who make the choice to not grow and evolve.
Is this selfish?? A little, but I promise the world that I owe no one. Not money, not time, not energy or space. Those things belong to me, and at 45 years of age, I’m the only one who gets the privilege of dictating how I spend them.
Is it lonely?? It was at first. Before I learned to love myself and be content in my own company.
I’m at the bottom of my mug, and I need my practice like NOW. Can you guess where I’ll be finishing this post?? Ha ha.
The message today is not to tell the whole world to fuck off and go live in the woods. The message is that if your love and all that shit you “give” to others is draining you or causing you to question your integrity, it’s time to put an end to it and to love and give to yourself for awhile. The ones who really love you will give you space and encourage this movement. Those who benefited from your lack of boundaries will leave your life, and good for you. You’ll see that when you clear your space of people who hold you back and use you up, the ones who will support and uplift you without jealousy, resentment or ulterior motives will appear.
I write this with the utmost love and sincerity. Take some time this week to think about where you give to others and where you should maybe stop.
Think about how you could turn some energy inward and love yourself more.
See you next week.
©️2019 cHELLe ON WHEELS
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