We spend much of our lives seeking love from others. Why?? Because we aren’t taught that it’s ok to love ourselves first.
We are told to show love and compassion toward others, but who teaches us to love and offer compassion to ourselves??
This entire year I am devoting my life and my days to self love. The tea tags are forcing this shit, soooo…
As I work to heal, I am receiving answers to all the questions that have been replaying in my head for decades.
Why wasn’t I enough??
Why didn’t my mom and dad do right by me??
Why couldn’t I be a better mother??
Am I strong enough to overcome the past??
And the final question this past few months.
Why does any of that shit matter today??
I was always enough. I just wasn’t aware or knowledgeable about my own childhood traumas until a few years ago, therefore I could not possibly address and work through the issues. I’m grateful to know about my early childhood as devastating as it was to hear the story.
We can’t go through life suppressing for decades and expect to experience no emotional consequence. Unfortunately that consequence usually rears its ugly head toward others. The people we love most.
As far as my parents go; I’ve long since forgiven them for their mistakes. I now understand what they didn’t. They did the best they could with what they knew and had. If we continue to wallow in the pain caused by others we will never truly be free.
My own parenting skill was hindered by lack of knowledge and understanding as well. I was 16 years old when I gave birth. I was still emotionally immature due to my age and having been using drugs to escape pain since I was 11. Maybe earlier.
Everyone doesn’t know the circumstances surrounding my pregnancy, and they don’t need to know. What needs to be known is that my lack of parental skills weren’t due to not loving my child. They were due to not knowing better, and also to being emotionally impaired from my own abusive childhood.
When we go through something as difficult as child abuse, neglect, sexual abuse and abandonment, it is often difficult to see any perspective outside of our own, but at some point we must grow up and learn our history to gain understanding. We might find by learning our parents history, that we didn’t have it so bad, but it’s never a comparison game.
Or we can continue to wallow in the past and play the victim role that so many of us relate to so very well.
Here’s a news flash: if we continue to bring up the past and feel sorry for ourselves, we hinder our chance to evolve into who we were meant to become. Let it go and move onward and upward. We don’t get to build our own heroism by reminding everyone how awful our childhood was. Sorry, not sorry.
I am proving every single day that I am strong enough to overcome a sordid past. To myself!! Not anyone else.
I am sober this year. I am drug free besides a bit of cannabis, and I intend to stay that way for the remainder of this life.
Finally, nothing outside of the present moment matters to me. And in the present moment I AM THE LOVE!! I may not be all the love that others need, but I fill myself up every day by living the life I once thought too far from my reach, and not questioning whether or not I deserve it.
I spent so many years longing for the love of my mother, my father, my daughter, her dad, boyfriends, female friends, strangers, and anyone who would feed my big ego or hurt inner child.
I spent 2019 learning about myself.
I’ll spend 2020 and beyond applying what I learned, and handling myself with grace, love, compassion and forgiveness.
Bottom line: I have no argument with this tag. In fact, I’m super glad to have pulled it.
There’s a theme of self love going on this year, and I’m in it for the long haul.
Exercise, breathe work, meditation, home improvement, relationship improvement, financial improvement, staying sober, staying free of cigarettes and nasty foods. These are all acts of self love.
Because of these small acts, I have manifested a life I once only dreamt about.
This pic represents a tiny piece of my life today. I’m very grateful for all I have been gifted.
Remember that 10 years ago I had no stable income, no legal driving ability, a credit score that wasn’t even on the chart it was so low, a partner that was leading me down the path of relapse, $45K of debt, a body covered in fat, a plethora of unhealthy habits and no idea where I was going in life.
Today I am engaged to my soul mate, I bought myself the Jeep I wanted forever for my birthday, my credit is thriving, my health is better than it was at 25, and my work is fun and pretty lucrative even though to some I’m still “just a waitress.”
Fuck those people, for real. And those who think manifesting is a joke, I laugh all the way to the deposit box. This happens on a regular because “I am a MFing money magnet.”
Just One Wealthy Waitress. Thankyouverymuch.
Looking in my mirror each day and affirming that “I am enough” and “I am able” are acts of self love.
Looking at others with compassion and seeing that we are all one, rather than despising our differences is also an act of self love for the highest good. One of the greatest, I think.
Love yourself. Manifest your dreams. Live in gratitude. BE THE LOVE!!
Happy Tuesday, dear friends!!