Last week a lot of old ways reared their ugly heads again, reminding me that although I am a devout practitioner on the path of yoga, I am far from where I want to be.
While I am comfortable with and embrace the dark and light sides of my persona; the hate and the love, the fiery reactions and the soft responses or disregards; I am not in any way complete in my own personal development. None of us should ever believe our work is “finished.”
For the past 14 days I have been engaged in a yoga workshop revolving around the Hindu Goddess, Kali.
Kind of scary isn’t she?? Reminds me of someone I know very well.
Kali represents death and destruction. She is a fierce protector and she loves so hard that she will annihilate any threat to herself or those she cherishes. She is a loving destroyer of the demons. She represents the burning away of the old. I love her. What I see in Kali is passion. My own driving force. The desire to slay those inner demons and be reborn to who I was supposed to be before the world got to me.
The Monday after the incident I never want to discuss again occurred, an opportunity arose for me to take a 12 week 200 hour yoga teacher training. As I was reading the email I got the butterflies and when I looked at the clock it was 11:11, so I jumped in with no hesitation.
I decided to take the week prior to the classes starting and read this book that is part of our course. I highly recommend it. It holds much value for a short 70 pages.
In 6 days I will start training to share and teach the practice that has transformed my entire life in so many positive ways. But more importantly, I will get to work with gurus and teachers who will assist me to peel away the remaining layers of myself that were developed from years of surviving rather than thriving. The ugly parts that no longer serve me. The hard crab shell and the pinchers that injure others need to be shed.
I hope to come away from YTT with a clean slate and a fresh perspective.
I accept what I did and the words I wrote last week. It is who I was in that moment and I love every version of me. Even when I am doing myself a major disservice by dropping down and back to old levels of behavior to meet idiot stalkers where they are.
But after it all, I am longing for peace and privacy more than ever. I want to be free from the trappings of the ego. It is a cage.
I’m thinking I will go off the radar for teacher training. I want to dig deep and receive all I can from this investment. I plan to engage in a modern day vow of silence and make YTT the center of my world so that when I graduate, I am truly closer to the intentions I set to achieve; those being peaceful living, patience and spiritual prosperity.
This blog isn’t going anywhere. It has gained momentum over the past couple of years and it means a lot to me. But sometimes in the midst of our chaotic lives; a sign to slow down is sent.
YTT will be another spoke in the wheels. Something I can’t pick up and put down when I so choose. It will ground me into a commitment that will create nothing more than a big financial loss if I don’t buckle down and really immerse myself in it.
Maybe I will write about the journey, maybe I won’t. Maybe I will share meals, cocktails and tea talks. Maybe not. According to the Monday horoscopes, I need not worry about it. I am exactly where I should be.
Yeah. I read Cancer and Leo because of that cusp birthday thing. They both apply almost every day.
What I do know is that for once in a long time I am going to dedicate myself to this one thing. I still have to make a living, but my “job” is where I go a few hours a day to make the money that assists in bringing the big dreams to life. It is not my everything. I give it my best when I am there, but with this new mask regulation in place, I dread going and I refuse to live that way. You see that mask triggers my PTSD from having been almost smothered to death in a pillowcase as a child.
The mask is proven to cause brain and lung damage as a result of carbon dioxide poisoning.
The mask is rubbing my face raw and I have pimples for the first time in 30 years.
The mask is bullshit, and so in my humble opinion, is COVID-19. But that, friends, is another blog for another day. Ya’ll ain’t ready for that talk.
I know this all came out of the blue. I know I am all over the place with ideas and dreams. I know that teaching yoga was never part of the plan. But I also know this: we don’t always choose our calling.
I know too, that this world is enduring a major shift, and regardless of direction, it will require the healers and the healing to assist in her transition. Yoga is the blueprint for a harmonious world. A harmonious world, while a collective effort, is an individual choice. It starts within each of us. Only when we create inner balance and joy can we genuinely offer love to the world. I say it over and over. You cannot give away what you don’t have.
So, my text books are here.
The man and I spent all day Sunday creating an ashram/study space dedicated to yoga education. It is perfect. Everything one needs from books to bolsters, wheels to waterfalls, mats to malas; it is all there. And it is right off the deck, so essentially I acquired adjoining indoor/outdoor places to practice. I’m very excited and sufficiently prepared for this. Set up for success.
The space is super humble and perfect for a new yogini. The lighting this morning does it no justice, but it is now my favorite room in the house.
Johnny is being super supportive even though I am sure he wonders if my wishy-washy ass will stay the course. I will. This is the only time I will have this opportunity, so there is no choice. He has seen me wear many hats, but I take the student hat very seriously.
As I near the end of this cup of “Namaste Motherfucker” tea; I want to just be super clear about a couple items so that you, the reader, can understand why I am here doing what I do.
I have severe ADD that I am able manage only through acceptance. I am driven by signs and synchronicity, so even if it looks crazy AF to the world around me; I tend to take the path Mama Universe leads me down, not my own ego driven ideas. I’m not lead by a thirst for money or status. I do not care about being liked or popular in the eyes of the masses.
While I was recently pondering whether to let the blog and Page go due to my need for privacy, it started gaining momentum and was getting a lot more traffic than usual. I took that as a sign telling me that the less you annoy people by posting 50 times a day, the happier they are to see you when you bring them something of real value.
This is the big shift, Cookers!! Not just for me. Look at the world around us. I hope we are all ready!!
I don’t know when I will be back, guys. 12 weeks of YTT starts June 22. 1 month to the day before my 46th birthday!! Synchronicity.
Then the 16 weeks after I graduate YTT are going to be intense with “Can-Do Camp” where I acquire knowledge and resources for bottling and selling my Mixin’ Vixen Bloody Mary base on store shelves.
I highly doubt I can go 28 whole weeks without writing or posting. We all know this!! I am a writer, an expresser, a teller of life. Words do my soul good. And hopefully yours too if you are here.
If you are one of my friends, family members or acquaintances; please understand. I no longer have free time. I am going to set limitations on my life so I can complete this mission. No distractions.
Until next time. Love, Light and Life Lessons.