Happy Hump Day, Cookers and Hookers. Good Gods and Goddesses how I miss sitting here drinking tea and sharing my quirky ideas.
I thought about doing a “live” segment on the Page for this blog, but I am still not ready for all that.
My “Speaker Slam” video fucking traumatized me. Not really, but it did allow me to see that I am, or was, too unsure of myself for public speaking at this time; and that is ok!!
You guys, I am directly in that “messy middle” that is being conversed about not nearly enough. The part where we take ourselves out of the loser pit and into the winner’s circle. The bumpy ass road in between down in the dumps and on top of the world. When we feel like we are too much and not enough all at the same damn time.
I am smack dab in the center.
And I don’t know how I am handling it.
You see, when you have experienced a past like mine and many other’s, it feels weird to be around “normal” people or those who have lived great lives. We tend to feel insecure, or like we can’t possibly reach their level.
This is all just human emotional and psychological experience. But I want to talk about it, and a couple lighter topics.
Let me give an example of my latest feeling of “in the middle” stuff we go through when transitioning.
This past Sunday I picked up my daughter and her girls. We went and spent the day at my friend’s lake house. It is a beautiful home, and Kim grew up there.
As she shared her wonderful memories of childhood, I caught myself feeling the guilt of not having gifted my daughter with that kind of a stable life. And, of course I felt it even deeper when my daughter commented how lucky Kim had been to have grown up in just one place. She didn’t say that we moved a lot, or that our life was totally opposite. That was my own shit and unnecessary guilt coming back to try and tell me I’m not enough. And it would usually send me backsliding, overthinking and diminishing my progress in some way.
So, how did I manage to let it go now, where as a couple of years ago I’d still be over here in my black sweats, curled up in bed for three days?
This time I got happy for Kim. And I got happy for my daughter and her baby girls, who have a home she is buying for them to grow up in. I refused to let it be about me.
Look, drug addicts are narcissists. It is what it is. But no matter what the world or our circumstances turns us into; we always have the ability to re-parent, re-program and re-invent ourselves. That doesn’t mean old ways won’t try to sneak up on us. It is our job to be aware, acknowledge and nip it.
We are all capable of returning to our original purpose. We do not have to stay as we are or once were.
That is the messy ass middle.
Don’t compare your life to others.
Don’t be hateful to yourself because you fucked up.
Remember who you are today.
Aligning yourself to better quality people is a sign that you are evolving. As long as we are honest about who we are, and authentic in our living; there is no need to cling to any ideas about who we were or could have been. It is a waste of time, and besides; it simply is not all about us.
Enjoy the stories our winning friends share, and be grateful these amazing people find value in you and invite you into their lives. Look around and see all that is possible rather than feeling “less.”
Remember that we are in the age of ascension if we choose to be. When we vibrate higher, we attract those who are good for our souls, organically. They arrive in our lives for a reason. We can learn from them. They too, want to see us rise.
We have to be sure we are making space for positive people by staying distant from negative souls. Truth is, there isn’t room for all at my table. You already know how I feel about energy vampires. I’ve touched on it before, but in case it is your first time here; hell nah, Negative Nancys.
I’m not perfect in my positivity practice, but it’s getting better every year.
I’m learning a lot about myself through YTT. I took it to teach me about me more than anything. I will eventually share yoga with others as a guide, but while I’m still in the middle; I just need to be working on my own shit show. I am the first to admit that I am a hot mess with really a warm heart.
I am in between what I was and what I am supposed to be, so bear with me.
Or not!! You know I only want you here if you find value.
It’s a crazy world right now, Darlings. I can’t even get into all the things I feel “in the middle” of, so I am going to finish this up with food talk.
The keto eating has been serving me well. I hope you guys are understanding that I want to focus my energy into school; thus the short Friday recipes on the FB Page.
My relationship with food is really changing as I come to love my physical body more, and also understand how my food choices interact with the spirit body.
I’ll still make the naughty stuff once in awhile, because I do feel that balance is everything. And I have G-Babez who deserve a treat at G-Ma’s house. I just think I should be promoting better things. K?? Cool.
There will be the Sunday dinner splurges again. There will be an occasional cheesecake, and yes, there will be all the dranks for Thirsty Thursday. I’m doing my best not to drink through YTT, so that is a tough one to accommodate outside the time issue.
Also, my doctor said my LDL were very slightly elevated, so somehow, some way, I have to get a couple vegan keto meals a week in. They will be SUPER simple, and will go up on the Page.
I guess the reason I sat down to write today was because I got an email from a regular reader who must have thought I was down. Maybe because my last post was almost a month ago, and maybe because at that time I wasn’t in the best place. A lot of drama had happened, and I have taken quite the break. Privacy and peace will always be the priority now. Not popularity and perfection.
I am now using all my vibration in a way that benefits my soul’s journey. If you are still here with me, know that I am honored to have you. I know it has been a crazy ride on so many axels, but all my “things” are what make me fun. Or funny. Or weird. Whatever.
I. Am. Happy. Even in the messy middle.
So, thanks to Toothpick Tales for checking in on me, unless that was an email bomb; then well; still thanks. It motivated me to get some words down, outside of the yoga journal.
I don’t have a new pic to show you today. According to the Page, you all seem to enjoy my mug. Thanks for the love.
What I want to show you today is what I am dealing with. My middle. Why I have been all over the place and unsure of my purpose in this life.
A couple weeks ago I went to the county jail to obtain my old mug shots. I wanted to face the demon and burn it in the light of the full moon, and it/her go.
This photo is my first mug shot after I got started on the substances.
Here is the final one before rehab…
And here I am recently, in a high vibe mood and loving my life. Peaceful. Content. Where I want to be 24/7.
I am, in many ways, a child learning her direction. So the food, the feels, the fitness, the funny stuff, the feisty, the fears; they are all me.
They are the wheels which carry me into my purpose.
Thank you for riding along.
All the Wheels and Heals, Chelle